dopamine

it's weird how chemicals in your body determine happiness.
yesterday I had a really difficult day. I lost it. I gave up. I cried, a lot. I begged Ava to understand my level of exhaustion in battling with her over every. little. thing. 5 is hard.

looking back on it now, there are a couple of interesting points in yesterday that I wonder if, cumulatively, they aided in my breakdown...
before school started we always started our days with cuddles in my bed. always. since we are now getting used to waking up early, that doesn't happen.
If I'm not at school, I usually cuddle with Nathan for his naps (or at least while he falls asleep). he will be this young only once and I don't want to regret the moments I missed.
yesterday, I can't recall ever stopping to just cuddle and enjoy my babies. we were rushed and busy all day.
My dopamine was at a low. super low.
the thing that helped me after all was said and done was talking with my friend. he was able to give me some of that feel-good chemical that I so needed (whether he realized it or not), and after that I was able to reevaluate.

it's so crazy how science really plays a large part in life. those feel good chemicals-- I need them. for my well being, and for my kids. I need to remember that.

randomish relationship conversations

I had a conversation with a friend today about relationships. She's also a single mom and we have some things in common.
One of the things we spoke about was how our thought process is different than men and other women. obviously, I can't speak for all single moms, but it makes sense.
Each time we meet a man with intentions and date them, we make a decision fairly quickly. Either we love them or we don't. and that's it.
if I spend my precious time with someone, I'm committed. whether there is a label or not. whether the other person feels the same or not. I don't have time to waste or energy to give freely; my kids siphon those things easily.
so when we put this effort into something and it doesn't work out? it hurts.
and when it seems to go well? we work on it. and we fight for what we want. and we forge on with the idea that this isn't temporary.

especially when there are kids involved.

because that's what people do. and that's what single moms do when they date. we find potential life partners. we don't waste time. we don't have time to waste.

and sometimes we get hurt, but we try not to.

feels so good

the entire channel is really quite fantastic. let it play all day.
check it out here

caught off guard

today i had a dentist appointment.

i chose this dentist from google. no recommendations, no reviews. he just had a cool website and even writes a blog! the office is very technologically advanced (i assume), because they text me reminders and stuff.

get this, the dentist even called me the night before just to see if there were any concerns i had, and to say he looks forward to meeting me. woah.

you can imagine i had some preconceived ideas about what to expect.

upon my arrival (after i googled my way there), i was greeted by a 50-something lady and filled out some paperwork. I was then called back by a 40-something lady, who was the hygienist. she was awkward and timid. she asked me questions about the medications i take because she wasn't familiar with them. ok.

so, the appointment goes on and i began pondering all of these realizations about just how judgmental i was coming into the appointment. by appearance, the hygienist was not confident; but she did an amazing job. her hands were steady and she maneuvered the tools really well. probably the best i have ever experienced. 

and then the dentist came in, and he was old, too.

but he was cool. 

and i walked away from my dentist appointment in complete disbelief of myself and the audacity i had to expect something and then judge people based on first impressions. 

learning experience number 1,235,789,456 in the record books. 

turning point

you know that moment of clarity when all of a sudden shit starts to make sense and you realize the choices you've made have all been for a reason? and that reason becomes so apparent that it's almost blinding? yeah- recently i had that moment.
for so long, i felt misunderstood and trapped in my mind. i told myself that people likely don't understand me. they probably have this idea of who i am, but they really don't have any clue. i figured anyone who cared enough would try to pick my brain and try to figure it out, when even i couldn't. i was stupid. i was lost. i was depressed.
and then one day i wasn't.
it's actually quite weird. i can't tell you why, or what the catalyst was. i just woke up one day and decided to change my attitude. no longer would i make excuses for myself or play the victim. i am not a victim to anyone but myself.
so, i changed my way of thinking. i told myself over and over again that my thoughts will directly affect my mood. and if i wanted to be happy , then i had to think happy thoughts. so i did.
and i am.

because there is no one to blame for the past. the mistakes i've made were lessons. the choices i made were exactly what i wanted at the time. no one is going to go out of their way to make my life better/easier/worthwhile.

"if life sucks, it's because you suck at life."

xx

jenn