dopamine

it's weird how chemicals in your body determine happiness.
yesterday I had a really difficult day. I lost it. I gave up. I cried, a lot. I begged Ava to understand my level of exhaustion in battling with her over every. little. thing. 5 is hard.

looking back on it now, there are a couple of interesting points in yesterday that I wonder if, cumulatively, they aided in my breakdown...
before school started we always started our days with cuddles in my bed. always. since we are now getting used to waking up early, that doesn't happen.
If I'm not at school, I usually cuddle with Nathan for his naps (or at least while he falls asleep). he will be this young only once and I don't want to regret the moments I missed.
yesterday, I can't recall ever stopping to just cuddle and enjoy my babies. we were rushed and busy all day.
My dopamine was at a low. super low.
the thing that helped me after all was said and done was talking with my friend. he was able to give me some of that feel-good chemical that I so needed (whether he realized it or not), and after that I was able to reevaluate.

it's so crazy how science really plays a large part in life. those feel good chemicals-- I need them. for my well being, and for my kids. I need to remember that.

randomish relationship conversations

I had a conversation with a friend today about relationships. She's also a single mom and we have some things in common.
One of the things we spoke about was how our thought process is different than men and other women. obviously, I can't speak for all single moms, but it makes sense.
Each time we meet a man with intentions and date them, we make a decision fairly quickly. Either we love them or we don't. and that's it.
if I spend my precious time with someone, I'm committed. whether there is a label or not. whether the other person feels the same or not. I don't have time to waste or energy to give freely; my kids siphon those things easily.
so when we put this effort into something and it doesn't work out? it hurts.
and when it seems to go well? we work on it. and we fight for what we want. and we forge on with the idea that this isn't temporary.

especially when there are kids involved.

because that's what people do. and that's what single moms do when they date. we find potential life partners. we don't waste time. we don't have time to waste.

and sometimes we get hurt, but we try not to.