next

You know how I mentioned things are getting better?

I’ve decided to return to school and become a registered nurse. It just makes sense and will multiply my income substantially. I love my job, but it just doesn’t pay enough to survive in a one income household.

I have 9 classes to take before I plan to apply for the nursing program, and after that I will have only the nursing classes to finish. So, in about 3 years I will finally be complete.

I love school. I love learning. I am not sure how easy it will be with working full time, but I am going to try really hard to at least work full time until I start the nursing program, then I will likely need to devote my time only to school-but only time will tell. Maybe by then I will find a part time job and be able to do both.

I am really excited for this. It’s definitely something I have wanted to do, even if I didn’t realize it until now. Classes start September 26—my birthday. My golden birthday. Chemistry and Psychology are first on the list.

okay

I honestly thought things were going to get worse before they got better.
I was wrong.
Sometimes, things do go right. And sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.
Last week I felt the weight of the world on my back and wasn’t sure how I would overcome the obstacles I have had in front of me.
This week?
I have a new outlook. Things are getting better. One by one. My worries are still real, and my anxiety still has a big grasp on my mind, but the fear of losing the first level of Maslow’s hierarchy are no longer on my radar.
I can actually worry more about the higher up needs again. I can be a real person and not a walking mess.
It feels really good and I am now able to take a deep breath and count my blessings.
We will be ok.

when it rains, it pours

It’s the pit in your stomach when you come home from a long day at work and realize that everything you’re working so hard for is not materializing. With the flick of a switch and no results, your heart drops to your feet and tears stream. It’s knowing that your best isn’t good enough.

I’ve been without a telephone now for about a month. It’s an interesting, disconnecting feeling. For the most part, it hasn’t been a big deal, but every now and again when I am running late to the sitter or to work I realize just how handy having a working cell phone would be.

Electricity is a whole ‘nother territory. I realized the only thing I really missed was a hot shower and a working fridge. Everything else, I could do without. Milk doesn’t do well without a cold fridge, and I certainly can’t afford buying milk by the carton. Water? Became our best friend.
We were camping. In our comfy beds, in our comfy home—but we were camping by any other sense of the word.

Luckily, I was able to take a day off of work and stand in line with some other really kind hearted people and receive assistance in getting my electricity paid for. Truly humbling. After 3 full, long days I was able to have my electricity restored, as well as my dignity.

It’s just what you do. You make the best of the situation you’re dealt with. As shitty as it may be, and as emotional and upset it may make you, you get over it and you deal. And that’s what I am doing. I am looking ahead to better days and blue skies and not letting these minor(because really, we are healthy and we are loved and that’s more important) hurdles decapitate my life and the life that I have created.

What I've learned today...

- always assume there will be walking involved in everything. This is now the second time I chose to wear shoes that cause pain when walking for long periods.
- walking 6 miles is not difficult, unless you're not dressed appropriately and not prepared with water/snacks/a brain.
- Sun block. It works. Try it sometime.
- I'm either getting way too old, or fireworks are getting more and more annoying.
- jumping up and down helps in digestion. Something about gravity.
- fireworks are terrible for the anxiety that I seem to get more often these days.
- so much more.

I learn so much everyday. It's kind of nice to be able to take note.

What I've learned today...

- I've never been so thankful to not be sexually active. As it turns out, all this time I assumed my IUD was doin it's thing and protecting me from spawn? Nope. It's MIA. I'll have an xray tomorrow to be sure it hasn't started decorating the walls in my abdomen.

- the universe gives what you put into it. I was totally prepared to ask my crush on a date today. Then, he asked me out first. Score one for the home team! First date since N's dad up and left. I'm ready.

- volunteering for a charity event is like doubly gold star deserving when you're a single mom. No one likes to volunteer to babysit.

-therapy is worth every penny. More on this another day.

the nighttime

It's always after the kids are in bed that I feel the need to get out of my home. Maybe it's the walls closing in or my brain finally able to rest and allow for thoughts to finally process and I just yearn for an outlet; a release of all of the pent up stress and emotion.
But, no one is here to watch over my sleeping babies. And the nighttime is staring at me through the open window as if it's mocking me. And I am stuck here with all of my thoughts to overwhelm me. And I try my hardest to shut my brain off. And there is no off button.

how do you know?

How do you know when you're at the brink of a complete breakdown? I think I am there. Really, truly.
There has to be some kind of max limit on the amount of stress one person can deal with before completely losing their wits.

Currently, I am moving. By myself. Ok, not exactly because I have my children to helpget in the way; but still.. by myself, using my car. Hopefully someone I know with a truck will actually be able to help me move the few larger items I have (like beds) by next weekend, or I don't really know what I will do. I have to give up the keys on Sunday night.

I am really beginning to rethink why I even decided moving was a good idea. I mean, yeah, I will save about $150 a month in gas, and gain over an hour of drivetime each day, and my rent will be less- but still. I am completely overwhelmed.

Completely.

And, as if that isn't enough, Nathan seems to be teething or something because all he does? Cry. I feel so terrible and I don't know if maybe my stress is contagious?

Add to that the fact that I just signed the parenting plan for Ava establishing joint custody, and that I over-zealously booked myself for a couple of charity medical clinics coming up (that include multiple planning/training meetings), the usual money stress that comes with being a single mother, and you have yourself one BIG mess.

Somebody please come save me because all I can think about is how badly I want to hide in my closet and cry.

three and a half years

Ava had her very first real haircut today. She will be four in august, but Has never expressed any interest in having it done, so I never pressed it.



The time has come, and so I bit the bullet and made an appointment with an awesome kids salon across town. Totally worth the drive and effort.

Nathan had a blast playing on everything. He especially liked climbing in and out of a toy fire truck and LOVES slides. Like loves, loves.



 

Ava was a total gem and did so well. They played a Barbie movie and she was sucked right in.


The stylist cut a few inches off of the back and styled her hair with a twist, some clips that Ava picked out, and the most important- glitter spray.



Ava LOVED it and I am really happy with the outcome. It really was so stress free, even for a single mom with both kids there. We will be returning to this salon for all haircuts to come! At least, until Ava gets older and decides she is way to cool for it.

when

when did my son turn into a toddler? who let this happen?

can it be summer now?

we are sooo ready for the rain to go away. it's really raining on our parade! literally! ugh.

how to be alone

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&w=560&h=349]

yummy chilli

I was introduced to this recipe by a friend of N's dad. It is by far the easiest and most delicious chilli recipe I have ever made. And, the only chilli I have ever made.

Ok, I am not a good cook. I am a GREAT mom, a great medical assistant, and a good friend, but I am not a cook. I admit it.
Luckily, you do not have to be a good cook to get this recipe right.

Ingredients:
1 lb. lean ground turkey
1 large onion, chopped
1 package taco seasoning
1 package hidden valley ranch mix
1 15 oz. can pinto beans*
1 15 oz. can hot chili beans*
1 15 oz. can whole kernel corn*
1 15 oz. can stewed tomatoes*
1 15 oz. can tomatoes with hot chilies*
* The can sizes are approximate.

Brown the turkey and chopped onion. Drain. Add the packets of seasoning. Add the canned goods. Simmer for an hour. Enjoy.

That's it! SO simple, and yet really, really yummy. And? the best part is that it is relatively healthynot bad for you! According to the sites I have seen the recipe on, each cup is only 2 weight watcher points. You could also add some grated cheddar and sour cream for a less healthy, more delicious version of this yummy goodness. BUT WAIT! There's more! the kids? LOVE THIS. it's great for little fingers to play witheat.

You're welcome!

finding your home away from home

this is part 1 of an at least 2 part series i plan to write about finding the right person to care for your child when they can't be with you. 

I would like to think that I know a little bit about a lot of things. That's what having a lot of experience with a lot of different life lessons gives to you. Sadly, my first born was the brunt of this experience... childcare. I have always been a single mom; Always utilizing childcare, whether it was for school or for work. I also happen to live thousands of miles away from most of my family. Convenient, if you ask me. Or not.

Anyway, when I first needed to leave Ava with someone I felt more safe with a licensed facility. I figured they had more eyes watching them and my child would be more safe with such strict policies and overhead. It worked out just fine. I was lucky and the center that I used had hired an amazing "teacher," and Ava was cared for. about 6 months later I found a good job that would require me to work odd hours. nights a weekends. The licensed center I had been using just wasn't going to cut it. Long story short (which I will get into more at a later time in part 2), I decided to go against everything I thought I would be comfortable with and headed to Craigslist to find an in-home sitter.

I searched. and searched. And I met with handfuls of people who were wanting to watch my baby girl. None of them gave me that feeling. For whatever reason, I just wasn't feeling comfortable with a single person. I was losing hope. quickly. I was truly about to give up before I received one last email. It was clearly written by someone who wasn't the most craigslist-literate. or even computer-literate for that matter. but, i decided to take a chance and meet her. and? it was the best decision I have EVER made in my children's lives so far.

when you know it, you just know it. it's a feeling of comfort and a feeling of trust that you just don't get often. I really cannot properly explain it. mommy intuition.

I met my children's second mother 2.5 years ago and I never saw it coming. I didn't expect to feel so comfortable with an in-home childcare, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The level of care and concern that comes from this atmosphere is something that no one will ever find in a licensed care facility. It just doesn't happen. I have used 3 different facilities ranging from religion-based to expensive Goddard school and Kindercare. None of them were ideal. None of them gave my children the care that I think they deserve during the 9-9.5 hours a day that they spend away from me. and? the occasional night off that I would not get if it wasn't for my childcare provider.

moral of this story? go with your gut. especially as a mother. it's the best tool we have and will lead you to places you never thought you'd go.

Happy birthday to my childcare provider. I will never be able to thank you enough for the love you give to my children when I cannot. I am SO lucky to have you in our lives. I hope that you will continue to allow my children into your home for years to come because I will never find anyone that could fill your shoes.

Sand Lake

We took off about 100 miles out of town on saturday morning and didn't look back.
I was so excited to get Ava on a quad. Like, seriously. I cannot wait to have one of our own.




We flew kites, ate sand, and just enjoyed the sunshine to the fullest before heading home Saturday afternoon.



I am really excited about the summer ahead. Judging by today's adventure, Nathan is going to do great for camping! Yippee!

to my sweet baby boy,

from the moment you laid on my warm chest, i knew that we would be ok. i knew that you and i, and ava too, would be safe and content. you have brought an immeasurable amount of love and happiness into our lives and i cannot wait to see what the future has in store.

your high pitched squeals can turn even the busiest room into a stage for you. your nibbles and gnaws are not to be laughed at. they sure can sting. your cuddles will warm the coldest of hearts, and you never can seem to get in close enough. you're a great kisser, though i will laugh when i tell your future wife about how you started off with tongue kisses on your mother. you are happy, oh so happy. and i am happy.

your sister loves you dearly. she is your protector and will be the first to step in and protect you. she has your back, and i love that. i cannot wait to see your relationship grow as you both grow up and into your own selves.

i cannot imagine my life without you. you are loved. you are wanted. you are perfect.

and now, you are one year old.

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/22828321]

http://vimeo.com/22828321

first dose of vitamin d this spring

it was the first perfect day of 2011, and Nathan and I spent it the best way we know how. living.
Multnomah Falls is but a 620 ft high waterfall here in the pacific northwest Columbia Gorge. the walk up is just 1 mile.. though it is definitely 1 good mile.. as the great outdoorsman i am would like to be, I strapped Nathan to my back and we headed up. I learned 2 great lessons on my walk. One- I am much more afraid of heights than I would like to think. Two- hiking up a steep mountain with a 1 year old on your back is not easy. at least, for me. He loved it, though.


this is about where it started to get ugly... with my sweat and Nathan's pee, we were kind of a mess. Yes, he peed through his clothes and down my back... but with no change of clothes with me- we made do. I just knew if I took him out of the ergo, he would not be happy going back in, so we suffered until we got down from the trail. Is that torture? meh.

did I mention he loved it? He really did.

The view from the top. I love the pacific northwest.




We had an amazing time. I cannot wait for more perfect weather. The rain is already on it's way back to us.

a hunting we will go...

for eggs, that is. the plastic variety.







happy Easter, y'all.

they say it's your birthday!

and just like that, my baby boy turns one...







[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/22536203]

http://www.vimeo.com/22536203

in case you thought i was exciting,

our weekend started with taking ava over to her dad's. then it was on to IKEA for a little browsing. i am going to get a bunk bed. eventually.


i get that this isn't recommended, but throw a blanket (or in our case faux fur rug) down; add pillows- and viola! we have a sweet ride for little man to play in. though, he enjoys standing up and pretending to surf, or skateboard, or whatever. don't worry- i am very careful.  and it allows for at least an additional 30 minutes of shopping. you can always throw some random things in the cart to distract him. favorite thing this trip? a plastic shoe horn and a green scrubby brush.



we then headed to target. why? because i wanted to push the limits.



also, because i wanted to go back and buy this sun dress. its still super cold here, but i hope to be able to wear it one day. hopefully sooner than later. (can you hear me mother nature?!?!!!!!)


not the most flattering photo, but what do you expect for a bathroommirrorlastminutedirtyhairnomakeup photo sesh?

also- nathan was quick to show who is boss.. and was not having the time of his life at target. my solution?



such a genius idea. nathan finished the darn thing in 1 min flat! he actually went through 2 during our time in the store AND a 6 oz bottle. he is a growing boy!
also? i got a couch! so i will finally have a place to put my butt.

to thank my good pal for helping me get it home, i took him to claim jumper. did you know they give you a plate of baby friendly food for FREE? neither did i, until our server gave it to nathan. score.



also, they have those sweet placemat thingees. since i am currently working on my jiggle, i am proud to say i skipped the pot pie and other delicious items, and opted for soup and salad. i even chose the heathiest options of both- a house salad (minus the bacon) with cilantro vinaigrette and chicken tortilla soup. see?



what do you know about a ten pound weightloss!!? go me.

a (not so) silent sunday

currently, this song is radiating in my soul.

i love this cover.

http://youtu.be/Rd3I_gGPUCs

here is the original. such a great band.

http://youtu.be/I_Od0PJp6GI


can you kneel before the king and say, "i'm clean?"

where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

DUDE! what the eff is a vlog???!

i made a vlog! meh.

http://vimeo.com/22012619

now listen to what i said! i wanna know who you are!

i hate running

I do. I hate running.

but I love the feeling I get when I do it. I love the adrenaline. I love the endorphins. I love the challenge.

there is always this inner dialogue that goes something like this:

"this sucks."

but if I keep pushing myself I will go faster/harder/stronger than I have before

"yeah, but it sucks. just quit. you did a good job anyway"

yeah, but I can do better.

"but no one is going to judge you for stopping now."

yeah, except for myself. and I am all that matters.

.......

and then, I run. and I go as far/fast/long as I set out to go. and if I think I can do more, I will. sometimes.

 

the beauty of it is that as human beings we are programmed to run. we ran from predators wayyy back in the day. at least, I think we did.

it's something that any relatively healthy person with 2 working appendages can do, yet many people don't. is it because they can't? no. for some, maybe they don't want to- and that's fine, i get it. but to others- they think they CAN'T. and they are WRONG. It's in your head. it's all in your head.

our minds are tricky little bitches that can either hinder us or push us into new places. it's so crazy how it works. of course, I have no idea how it works, but it is crazy!  I am completely infatuated with the human brain and thought process. it truly is an amazing thing.

we are either our own biggest fan, or our worst enemy.

which are you?

[i realize this is a commercial, but it still speaks]

tranquility

As I was holding Nathan in my arms tonight, and he slowly drifted into a peaceful slumber, I found myself full of emotion. It has been quite a while since he has fallen asleep in my arms, and it felt really nice.

My babies are growing. They are forming opinions, learning attitudes, and creating their identities. I am in awe of the absolute miracle I am lucky to be a part of.

If you know me, you know that I am a very patient person. Most anyone will say that they have never seen me angry. I was even told by numerous people that my kids will probably take advantage of that (though I do know how to show authority, it just doesn't have to be so obvious, does it?). I am quiet. It's not because I have nothing going on in my mind. I am a quiet, reserved person because I get carried away in thoughts. I think about things before I say them often to the point of over thinking, which leads to my quietness because once I think of what I want to say, it's already to late to make sense in the conversation. If  you've had a conversation with me, this is probably something you've noticed. It makes me appear scattered, but I usually have it all together in my head.  I taught myself to be this way. I don't know how.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't this way. I do wish I could be the social butterfly at times; Someone that could keep the conversation flowing. But, that's not me. I am friendly. I love people. I love meeting people. I'm just not that great with words.

I am a learner. I love to learn. I will research the heck out of anything. With that comes knowledge. I think I am smart. I know a lot of things, and if I don't know something, I will look it up. If someone tells me their opinion about something I am not informed about, I look it up. I like to find unbiased information and form my own opinion.
That's not to say I am a know-it-all. Because, I am not. But I will play the devil's advocate. Not because I like to argue, or because I like the competition, but because I have learned it is a great way to learn. One of my favorite quotes is by Aristotle (I think). "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

I often do not capitalize letters on this blog. It's not because I don't realize that I am doing it. I know. I am just too lazy sometimes to bother. I also think it looks better (as typography).

I have accepted the fact that I will likely be the old cat lady with no cats. Lonely and single, with no reason to shave my legs. It's ok though.

Scattered. That's me.

my saturday morning scene [Children's Museum]

we spent half the day at the Portland Children's Museum.

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/21251757]

Thank you Jessica for the inspiration.

whew

it's fairly obvious that my life right now is pretty nutty by the lack of blogging taking place. i figured i would share what i have been up to the last few weeks.

Here is a typical week day for me:

6am leave the house
630am drop kids at sitter
645am quick work-out at the gym
745am go to work
830am start my shift

530pm end my shift
6pm pick up kids
645pm arrive home
7pm dig through the fridge for something to put in the kid's bellies
8pm bath
845pm bedtime
9pm get myself ready, laundry, clean

and I consider myself lucky if I get to bed by 10. Also, there are days I skip the gym- that gives me extra time to sleep or shower and actually blow dry my hair.

So, where do I blog? I don't know. I am trying out this new idea (to me), and turning off the distractions on the weekends until Sunday night. I only have such limited time with the kids these days that I really want to enjoy my time. This is why I am giving up the gym on weekends, also. I have plans for bike rides and park days as soon as this dreary weather clears up a bit. I really cannot wait.

I would love your input on ways that YOU find time for things we so often overlook. How do you cram an extra hour into your day?

5k shamrock run 2011

i really hadn't been training as well as i would have liked. i think i can count on 2 hands the amount of runs i had gone on in the last year. it didn't stop me from trying my best, and i am very happy with the outcome.



it was a soggy, chilly morning. according to my iphone it was in the low to mid 40's and was raining/sprinkling on and off. my rain prep really paid off and i am so happy with my decision to get a hat and light jacket. it worked perfectly.

there were about 35,000 people taking part in this years run. it made for fun crowds, but the start took forever. i think i was lined up and ready to go for about 30 mins before i actually was able to pass the official start after being herded with the rest of the 5k-ers.



i was pumped. my playlist was packed with great music including young the giant, taking back sunday, florence and the machine, and even nicki minaj (to name a few). slow and steady was my mantra. i started right off the line with about 4.5 mph speed and tried to keep it at that, because i knew i would be able to stay there. i didnt want to hurry and then end up walking to catch my breath. i ended up staying at the same speed (basically) for most of the race. there was a slight incline that i know i slowed down for, which was ok. i didnt stop running, but i am pretty sure people could walk faster than my speed. there were a few different places that i got stopped at for traffic, and i kept my feet moving. there was only one break- about 10-20 yards- that i walked. it was at the top of the incline and my legs felt like jello. a quick cooldown later, and i was back at it. i felt so good!



i crossed the finish line at 00:39:58

i think i can do better. i know i can do better. the last quarter mile or so i pushed myself. i was feeling good and barely out of breath so i just went for it. according to my iphone runkeeper, i did a 7 minute mile pace at the end.



my goal was just to finish. i did finish.  and next time? i will finish with a better time. i know i can do it- this one was almost easy. i just need to push myself a bit more, and maybe get some more running in.

i already signed up for the next 5k! The Race for the Roses, April 3! Wanna run it with me?

pssst, see a video of the 2011 Shamrock Run HERE.

comments are turned off due a large amount of spam comments on this post. if you have something to say please email me! my email can be found on the top right hand side of the page.

this is it

big day for me. i cant wait to come back and tell you all about it.

my saturday morning scene

saturdays for me are busy. i try to get as much done as possible, as early as possible, before heading home and doing laundry and other household chores. today was no exception. it started with dropping off ava to her father's, and then nathan and i headed out for a morning of fun errands.

first, we stopped at a swapmeet sale thingee. it was my first time, and although it was huge with lots of cool stuff, i didnt end up leaving with anything. i am currently in the market for a bike trailer for the kids, but have yet to find a screamin deal on something of quality. also, i would LOVE any advice on brands and styles that you love. i am a newbie at bicycling with kiddos.


from there, we hoped on the train and headed out to pick up my race bib, chip, and free shirt for the race im running TOMORROW. cue anxiety.


and because it is currently raining, and i live in the pacific northwest, i figured i should probably find some kind of rain-appropriate apparel for tomorrow's run. so we went to goodwill. and what a GREAT flippan idea that was! i found some super sweet deals! including this gem:

can you read it? it says Chicago Marathon. um, hello! if i wore this i would look super badass. until the other racers see how slow and sweaty i am as i pant down the street, then the gig is up. so, i didnt bring it home. i am sure someone else will soon, though! i did end up finding a nice thin little jacket that will work nicely to wick away the rain drops. at least, i hope.

our errand running ended with a typical run to Fred Meyer's. it's only my favorite store, really. i had to get a visor or hat to shield my eyes from the rain as well. here is nathan testing them out for me:


and now? well, i am currently chowing down on lunch while nathan takes a much needed nap. the rest of the days agenda includes some laundry, cleaning, and playing. and then an early bedtime so we can wake up super early for race day! yeay!