the unfortunate part of it all

I wrote an entry a while back that talked a bit about how or why i decided to be a single mom (as if there is any kind of decision making that can even take place on my part, really). i want to update that post because it was written while i was pregnant.

i didn't get a choice. there was no option for me to NOT be a single mom (again). nathan's father and his father's mother wanted me to have an abortion and quite frankly, that just wasn't an option. it wasn't an option because there was NO way i could ever kill my baby simply because it wasn't convenient. sure, i don't care what other people do- and i am by no means a "pro-lifer," but it was not something i could do.

so, i kept my baby. and my baby turned into my son. and i went through my 40 weeks of pregnancy alone. very alone. i mean, i didn't have anyone there for me. i was scared. like, FREAKED. and i cried. a lot. and i hardly slept most nights because of the stress.

and now, here i am a mother to not only an incredible daughter, but also a son. and i wake 3 times a night to feed him, alone. and i stay home every weekend with him, alone. and i watch all of his milestones, alone. and i love him with all my heart. i do not regret the choice i made way life has taken me. i would not take it back. but i am still sad. really sad.

i am sad because my son- my incredible, smart, healthy, son- does not have a father.

sure, i could take him to court and prove to the world that he is a father, again (because he denies it now), but i am not sure i want to do that. because he doesn't DESERVE my son. he is a disgusting, heartless, selfish individual that has never had to take full responsibility for anything and now i think my son is better off without him.

i am sad because my son has a half brother. and i am sad that they will likely not be close because how do you explain to a child that you have a brother but not a father? is that even possible?

i am sad because my son will never know his cousins, or his aunt and uncle- who are good people.

i recently spoke with a licensed counselor who works with kids. we spoke about what the best scenario may be for my son in order to help him be the best boy and man he can be. she said that knowing his biological father is not as important as having good male role models in his life. someone to look up to that is tangible, and someone with a good heart that will show him how to be a good man. she said it could be a relative or friend or even someone from an organization like big brothers/big sisters. i hope i can do that for my son.

i also worry a lot because my daughter has a great father who is very involved. i worry that my son will question why she goes to her dads house and he doesn't. what will i say? how will i handle this? i don't know. i have no idea. but i do hope that i am able to provide him enough love and comfort that he won't be too upset about it.

and i hope one day i can find peace with my son's deadbeat father who wants nothing to do with his son, and right now i can act really well, but i haven't found it. i am still really angry about it. i despise him for being such an imbecile, and i also find myself ashamed. i am ashamed that i ever thought i loved a boy capable of acting this way. really ashamed, actually.

so- there you have it. and now that it's out in the open i hope to get a little bit more rest knowing that there is nothing more that i can do besides be the best mother i can be and love my children, unconditionally.

outtakes

i thought i would share some outtakes to the mini photo shoot i attempted with nathan. obviously, these are too overexposed, but they give an idea as to what to expect on the ol' Christmas card. you all will have to wait until those get sent out and received before i'll show them on the blog. afterall, there has to be some kind of suspense.

thanksgiving, in retrospect

many people may not know, but my step mom is Vietnamese. that makes my sister half vietnamese, and me a faux Vietnamese. right? right. anyway, i was hoping to get invited to a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, but we didn't get an invite until a last minute invite with my Vietnamese folks. so, off we went.



obviously, it was not traditional. bummer, but beggars cannot be choosers, i guess.

nathan and i were not feeling all that great throughout the day, but it didn't stop us from enjoying the evening.


ava adores her auntie kelli!



grandpa got in on the fun and some serious notes were coming from that piano!



i am so very thankful for my family's good health and the love that we share. i am thankful that i am able to keep a roof over our heads in the hardest of times, and that i am fortunate enough to have loved ones who care deeply for us.

hope your thanksgiving was filled with fun and everlasting memories.

a (not so) silent sunday

God, that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said, "Yes, I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of that time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you never got in
And now you're outside me, you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

Nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

Stars - "Your Ex-lover Is Dead"

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a week in review

the week started off with an incredibly relaxing afternoon of football

nathan totally digs it. a little football stud in the making, i tell ya.

ava and i did a little wish listing. there were a lot of, "oh my gosh! this is my favorite toy in the WHOLE world!"s. i think that is a bit better that hearing "i want" constantly.

and yeah, so what if i let my kid in public looking like that. it's cute. she picked it out herself. also, i am pretty proud of the fact that i am able to wrangle my kid out of the toy section with no meltdowns AND nothing in the cart. because my kid is just that great. (ha)

i practiced the art of getting a kid in the ergo with a back carry all by my lonesome. it really is an art. if you don't believe me, try it.

i have high hopes of getting out and putting my hiking shoes to use (weather permitting). this is how i plan to do it.

The weather took a turn for the worse, and we dipped into the TEENS. it SNOWED. (barely.) And I didn't want to step outside. i was lazy for a couple of days and it was flippan fantastic. annnnd i was able to get ahead in my online classes. go me.

i attempted to make cake balls, and failed. miserably. i suck. never again.

i have issues melting chocolate, it seems. who would have thought it would be so difficult???!!! not i.

I attempted to spruce up nathan's nook. i decided to go with an aviation sort of theme. i think. for now.

it is a work in progress. i still have more stars to make and I am not all that happy about the framed 'art.' i will be searching for what i really want to use in the coming weeks. i also would like to get more frames. i want to get a crib sheet that is that bright orange color. any tips on where i can get one? i may have to figure out how to sew so i can make one.

i drove passed these crazies on WEDNESDAY. it was like 20 FLIPPAN degrees outside. during the day. insane. just insane.


 

I registered for my first 5K. I am STOKED.


pretty self explanatory....

just need to find someone that wants to take me out. ha!

 

and noone invited the kids and i to their thanksgiving like i had hoped for. i'll post about that next week.

hope everyone get's all their Christmas shopping done asap.

good day.

guess who

guess who is going to be SEVEN whole months tomorrow? can you tell how gloriously happy he is about getting older? don't worry, i feel the same way about it. why can't they stay small forever?

goofy mcgooferson

have i mentioned how goofy my oldest child is? she really can light up any room. her personality just amazes me. she goes by the name of ava potata. that goofy.



she insists on wearing her sunglasses that way. i don't say anything because i think it's cute. who says you have to wear them the other way, anyway? and yes, she is taking photos with her camera phone. i have no clue where she learned that.

at least she shouldn't remember it

my little girl has been battling a gnarly bladder infection. it's been persistent; and after 2 rounds of different antibiotics and 2 shots of rocephin (a high-powered antibiotic), her symptoms have just started to subside. her pediatrician ordered an ultrasound and VCUG to see if there was an underlying issue.

this week was that apointment, and to say i was nervous would be an understatement. they gave her Versed, which is a sedative that also happens to inhibit memory, so she shouldn't have a lot of memory of the procedure. i was super nervous because i had an allergic reaction to this medication as a teenager, where my throat closed off and i needed epinephrine to keep me alive. thankfully, she did ok on the drug.


my little baby was so drugged up it was hard not to giggle at her (hey she won't remember, right?), so after having a little bit of conversation with her, they did the procedure. she did great. took it all in stride. it had nothing to do with the DVD player that was playing frosty the snowman, btw. ok, maybe it did.. but that's not what is important.

ava's daddy was a HUGE help and i am so blessed to be sharing the responsibility of parenting with him. it's funny that she listens to well to his demands. i must not be as stern as i would like to think i am. ha!


the radiologist made it pretty evident right away that there was something not 'normal.' her right ureter is allowing the urine to travel backwards, up into the kidney.

honestly, i did not expect this. at all. ava has been the poster-child for a healthy kid. this was the first bladder infection/kidney infection she has ever had (as far as i know), and this test was supposed to come back normal.

the radiologist said that a lot of kids who have this issue grow out of it. the ones that don't, end up having surgery to correct it. he also said that the typical route of care is to put her on an antibiotic for another 6-12 months and do the procedure again to see if it has changed. and then go from there, perhaps waiting another 6-12 months and hoping it corrects itself.

we have to go see a urologist to decide what will happen next. i am really worried. i never expected this. i really thought we were done with it after the last round of antibiotics. i am worried about the effects of being on an antibiotic for 6-12 months, minimum. hell, i don't even like to give tylenol- so the thought of an antibiotic for that long of a duration is just startling.

i will update as we know what is going to happen, but for now she could really use your positive thoughts and prayers.

sorry about the photo quality, they were a last minute thought with my cell phone ;)

prematurity awareness month

november is prematurity awareness month.

although i was blessed (truly blessed) with full-term, healthy, babies, some of my dear friends were not. it happens. a lot. and it's not fair. it's not fair that so many babies are not given the full 40 weeks of gestation to grow and nourish in their mommy's womb. 1 in 8 babies are born preterm. 1 in 8 babies begin their lives fighting. it's just not fair.

november is prematurity awareness month. but, it's not fair to those babies that are going to be born before their bodies are fully developed to only designate one month to their cause. every day is for prematurity awareness. because we need to fight for those babies that shouldn't have to fight themselves.

i will be participating in the 2011 march for babies. i will be participating for my friends who were born too soon. i will be participating for my friends who will be born too soon. i ask that you help me in this fight by donating to the march for babies organization. they are doing amazing things in research for babies that includes (but isn't limited to) developing cures for cleft palates and vision defects. $0.76 of every dollar goes directly to research.

my donor badge can be found on the right hand side of my blog. it will be there from now on. every dollar counts, even if it's just the price of a latte that you may give up for just one day. it helps. and it's appreciated. YOU can make a difference so that we all can fight hard for those innocent, tiny, little, preterm babies that need all the help we can give them.

bright eyes

those baby blues get me every time.


for the record, my eyes are hazel/green. his father's are green as well. i am curious to see what these will end up like. beautiful, for sure.

a (not so) silent sunday

Mindy Gledhill feat. Robbie Connolly - "Hourglass"

lazy saturday

sophie is nathan's favorite toy. i swear it reminds me of a dog toy.
best baby toy. ever.

where's the caffeine

today marks the fourth day i have gone without caffeine. i think it's starting to get better... i think.

it's not that i'm just letting go of my drug of choice, but i am giving up all varieties of coffee and soda. and caffinated teas. woah. yeah. i still can't believe it.

i really don't have any sort of goal in mind, besides hopefully getting rid of the large puffy bags under my eyes and perhaps a little less face swell. i have heard these things are not good for that, so i thought i would give it a try.  not to mention the rising cost of coffee.

so far, i am still alive. that is all i can really say about it.

more information

after 6 long weeks

i finally have time to put away my clean clothes. the last six weeks have been a blur... leaving a pile of clean and a pile of dirty. i'm not proud. don't judge. welp, my clean clothes have finally found their home. thank goodness.

look at Nathan's teeth! he has four. he is a big boy.


i have the coolest kids in the world. really, i do. you should be jealous.




cleaning six weeks of mess sure is exhausting. that is all.

i am getting anxious

this week i officially finished my extern. that means i finally completed the 160 hours of unpaid, on-the-job training that is required of me before i can graduate and take my certification exam. i am so close. i am so scared. i know, it seems silly. i have been a student now for 17 years of my life. that is over 3/4 of my life.. that is pretty much all i have known. and now, here i am-- on the brink of GRADUATING with a DEGREE. i will be the first in my family. the beginning of a new cycle. i will be an example for my children. i am SO happy.

when i think about how much i have gone through, and how difficult this path has been i can't help but get emotional. i cry. yeah i said it. i cry. not because i am sad, or because i am disappointed, but because i am so so so soooo HAPPY. and maybe a little scared. i had never been a happy crier before having children. i don't know what it was, but man.. it really does it for me. imagining myself with my cap and gown and my diploma.. oh it makes me so happy. i cannot wait. i cannot wait to be at the end of this path so that i can call myself a college graduate. so that i can lead by example for my children. i really don't even have the words to describe it fully.

and after i feel happy, i get scared. i can't imagine my life without school. i am a learner. i love to learn. i am the type of person that researches the heck out of something so much that when it comes time to write the paper i have too much information and have no idea where to start. i want to know more about everything. i just love to learn. SO.. will this be the end of my 'student' title? i don't know. heck, it's only an associates degree.. i still have a little bit more classes to take for my bachelor's, and then who knows, i may get antsy and need more. i don't know.

but what i do know, is that i will officially be able to call myself a college graduate in january 2011 and i am so. darn. proud.

falling

yo gabba gabba live!

i was fortunate enough to WIN tickets to Yo Gabba Gabba Live on Twitter, from @kinkradio on sunday. it gave ava and i a chance to spend some quality time together, and we had SO much fun!

we met up with our good friends sarah and conner for some red robin lunch beforehand (and a little mommy treat, ya know.. to make it more tolerable) and took the light rail over to the venue.

ava had such a good time, but was very tired by the end of it and fell asleep in about 0.02 seconds once we got on the road home!



 

i tried to have a mini photo shoot with ava between the rain showers.. it didn't go as well as planned, but gave me a few ideas of what else i can do. i'll probably share some of those photos tomorrow!

similarities

I love my blue eyed babies.

new favorite diaper

i somewhat recently finally gave in and bought a bumgenius elemental all in one.

woe is me because now i need more. lots more.

a silent sunday

He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn't fit,
It wasn't right.
Wasn't just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don't know.

I didn't feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it's not like the movies,
Thats how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
I'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that's just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
"One day my prince will come."
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don't align,
If it doesn't stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it's not like the movies,
Thats how it should be.
When he's the one,
He'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And thats just the beginning.

'Cause I know you're out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It's a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you'll see.

Just like the movies.
That's how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic with the perfect ending.
It's not like the movies,
But that's how it will be.
When he's the one,
You'll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it's just the beginning.

Katy Perry - "Not Like The Movies"

just because

Why I Chose To Be A Single Mom (again)

This was originally posted on October 26, 2009 on my old blog. I am just reblogging it to clear some air and hopefully answer some people's questions.

When I became a single mother for the first time I promised myself I would never, ever be put in the situation to do it alone again. The painfully long nights of endless feedings were a lot to handle without any help.

A lot of 'single' mothers end up having someone to help them take care of the baby for quick trips to the store and whatnot. Perhaps a mother, or family member. Unlike those lucky women, if that is even considered to be lucky, I did not. My mother lives hundreds of miles away. My dear sister lives thousands of miles away. Almost all of my family is much too far for a quick phone call asking to get a night off.
I really did do it all on my own.

Now today here I am; pregnant again, and on my own.

I loved (and probably still do, deep down) my unborn child's father. We were together a short time, about 6 months. Everything was going great and I really saw a future with him. My daughter loved him and they got along great. He has a son that I cared about and we seemed to get along well.

I was taking birth control pills, and though I was not the type to set alarms and take it at the exact same time everyday, and I may have missed a couple here and there because I stayed the night and didn't bring my things before having to go strait to work again, I did think I was being safe. We took precautions. Not every time, but mostly.

When my period was a few days late I knew that I needed to worry, and notified the potential father. He attempted to calm me down and stated not to worry too much and I should test if it gets much later.

Later that night, I tested. I couldn't wait and I was stressing. It was positive. I sent him the photo of the positive test via MMS, and that was when all of my worst fears became a reality.

Right away he informed me that I needed to terminate the pregnancy and that he was no longer interested in a relationship with me and it's over. Just like that.
I was torn in so many ways. How could the person I care so much about be saying these terrible things? How did this happen? What went wrong?

All of these unanswered questions ate at me for weeks while I debated back and forth at my options.

One thing was for sure, I could not honestly look at my beautiful, healthy, inspiring little girl and then think about killing the little potential being inside of me.

It was one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make thus far in life, but I was going to let nature take its course, and decided that if I was supposed to be a mom to another precious being, than that is what will happen.

And here we are today, I am scared. Really scared. I have no idea what is going to happen down the road. My unborn baby's father has not spoken to me and I am fairly certain he wishes this whole thing would just go away. I don't expect him to come around later, and to be quite honest, I don't know if I would give him the opportunity.

All I know is, I have a healthy baby growing inside of me and I will do whatever it takes to make sure they know just how much I love them and just how much they are wanted in the world, even if some people are too blind to see that.

holiday work

anyone else starting to feel the pressures of the holidays?? it can be really intense! thanksgiving is like RIGHT around the corner and then christmas will zoom right on by. i am trying to think ahead, and i have always wanted to do the whole christmas photo card thing but never get to it in time. well, i am telling myself that THIS year is going to be the year. i have been sta-ressinggg over family portraits. serious. i am pretty sure i have bought and taken back at least 3 outfits per person and still wonder if i am making the right decision... but i need to get down to it already! these will be the first family photos we will have and i really want them to be great. great enough for christmas cards.. annnnnnd i am SO excited to use shutterfly's stationary to order my cards from! I am IN flippen LOVE with their designs. they are so cute and modern.. exactly my style. i wont share which ones i am going to choose, buuut how cute is this idea??



if i could think of ten top things i would totally run with this.. alas i am not that creative. i also really love this one



is that not a super cute idea???!

 

anyway, not only are these cards ADORABLE, but they are really budget friendly.

you can find these cards HERE, or even create gift tags HERE! Cool, right??

 

and to my fellow bloggers-- you can also receive some saweet FREE holiday cards just by going here: http://bit.ly/sfly2010

 

I just hope the weather will start cooperating so i can get the kiddos outside and get some photos taken!

a silent sunday

I can't dream without you....

When you close your eyes and go to sleep tonight,
I'll be right outside your door,
dreams will come and they'll take you away,
let them bring you back to me

And tomorrow when you wake I'll be next to you,
the protection from the day,
when the tears fall down your face like morning dew,
I'll be there to put a smile on your face,
and I'll say

I don't wanna live this life without you,
I don't wanna spend the night without you,
I don't wanna know what it's like,
I can't dream without you.
I can't dream without you.
Let your fire burn bright for the world to see,
you are the better part of me
when you hold my hand I swear that I believe,
I'm living in my wildest dreams

and I see

I don't wanna live this life without you,
I don't wanna spend the night without you,
I don't wanna know what it's like,
I can't dream without you.

Flowers for your hair,
rainbows for your eyes to see,
your dreams are everywhere,
to carry you away from me,
away from me someday,
away from me someday

I don't wanna live this life without you,
I don't wanna spend the night without you,
I don't wanna know what it's like,
I can't dream without you.
I don't wanna live this life without you,
I don't wanna spend the night without you,
I don't wanna know what it's like,
I can't dream without you.

Good Charlotte - Harlow's Song (Can't Dream Without You)

shoes, again

now that i don't have to wear those ugly, all black, nonslip shoes-for-crews type of shoes for work, i have been sporting my cheapest-i-can-find adidas running shoes every day (woah, long sentence!). let's just say, they are not comfortable. at all. like, i dont even think i can wear them for running anymore.

anyway, so i asked around and a lot of people said either danskos or the toning type of tennis shoes that have been coming out are the best bet. after shopping around i found THESE gems. i work with breast cancer patients every single day, so i though they were so fitting!

once you can get over the cheeseball TV ads and the silly reputation they may have, they are actually REALLY comfortable. i have worn these now for a week and can honestly say my feet are not nearly as sore as they were, annnnnd my back is not as uncomfortable (which i really didn't even notice before) because i think they help with posture and whatnot.

i have not been paid (maybe should be? hm) for this advertisement.. but i definitely recommend them. they even have them in that ugly, all black, nonslip shoes-for-crews type of shoes look, if you need it.



and by the way, i don't feel anything in my butt.. though i am hoping for a miracle.

shoes

nathan's feet finally fit into his shoes, for the most part. they are still a bit big, but they don't look ridiculous anymore. just in time for cold weather! i have been trying to find some cute outfits for the kiddos' first portraits together. they will be taken in the next few weeks with an autumn theme (because it's my favorite time of the year) and i am hoping that nate will get this whole sitting thing figured out so we can maneuver some good poses. send some good vibes his way, will ya?

trick or treat

halloween was a success! Ava, Nathan, and I took my sister with us and went around her neighborhood. there were TONS of kiddos. i asked one lady if she had been keeping count and she said she had a little over 300 before having to go to the store for more candy. most people started around 6, and by 8 almost all the houses were dark. i am thinking either because it was sunday, or people simply ran out of candy!

Nathan did really well for his first Halloween. he wore his costume like a champ until he ate.. and i made the mistake of not burping him and he puked all over me. don't worry, i didnt let that stop us! a little baby puke couldn't damper our evening.

Ava had a blast and did so well. She only got scared one time, and it was at a house that had a person jump out from the bushes once people walked away. cruel, if  you ask me.

anyway-- so i have two gripes about the evening.. One, why in the world do people think it's cool to drive your car to each house and follow your kids? How incredibly lazy does one have to be? mind you, most all of these people i witnessed were obese, and had obese children. what is this country coming to, really?!? holidays are days to be SOCIAL and have FUN. get your butt out of the car and walk around... talk to your neighbors... don't be such lazy, unsocial people!!!

two, if you are a smoker, PLEASE have some manners. there is nothing i hate more than to have to walk along side a group and breath in your toxic fumes. there were multiple occasions that i had to tell the girls that we had to change directions or stop altogether for a while so that we could get away from these inconsiderate people. Sure, it is a free country and we all have rights, but i would like to reserve my right to CLEAN AIR thankyouverymuch. take your terrible, death wish of a habit elsewhere where you wont be around children.

man.. i really dont mean to be so negative, but really!?? anyway, here are some photos. It was not the easiest task to take worthwhile shots while keeping my eyes on 2 crazy little girls as well as take care of a baby who was not interested in sleeping!



and, can i just say that my daughter is growing up WAY TOO QUICKLY???!