I guess it will have to wait

Looks like I no longer have an internet connection at home. I'm afraid the poor blog is going to suffer until further notice. This is really saddening to me because I have so much to share!

Until next time.

a (not so) silent sunday

Local Natives - "Wide Eyes"

Leaving

We are flying back home at 6 am tomorrow, Christmas Eve. This holiday has been fantastic. I cannot wait to share it on my blog.

Please think of us tomorrow. I may go a little crazy during the 10 hours of traveling alone with the kids. What was I thinking?

wordless wednesday: ava as an infant

quite honestly, there are so many more i want to share. i may need to do a part 2.

dear Pamela and Emily,

It is likely you'll never read this, and I don't even know your last names- but I am grateful for your thoughtful, kind, and unselfish gift. My family's Christmas will now be much more memorable because of you. Thank you.

a (not so) silent sunday

Bright Eyes- "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

waking up in someone else's bed

So far, this vacation has gone pretty swell. Ava is a lot better at sleeping in strange places than I originally thought. She is an awesome little girl!

Indiana

Currently on day 2 of vacation.





I've got a ton of great photos that I cannot wait to share once we get home!
I have no Internet access, so until Christmas I will only be able to post from my phone.

thankful thursday

i want to take a second to thank my cousin.

back in the day- like 15 years ago- i lived with my mom, aunt, and 3 cousins. in a 2 bedroom apartment. to say it was cramped would be an understatement. i honestly do not even know how we did it.

but, even though times may have been tough, i didn't feel like i was missing anything. i had family and love and a roof over my head.

anyways, so back to today. my cousin makes a decent living by playing online poker. he has good fortune and it has given him the opportunity to do a lot of great things. we happen to be the same age, even though i feel at least 10 times older. funny how kids do that to you.

with that said, he and i are close in age and though we have not been super close in recent years, i do hold him close to my heart, along with his sister's because we shared those years together, almost as siblings.

for Christmas my cousin bought the kids and i airfare to fly home to chicago to be with my family for the holidays. i cannot describe to you how amazingly appreciative i am of this. i live hundreds of miles away from almost all of my family, and very rarely get to visit them. not only that, but my sister just gave birth to my first niece, too! it is the first time all of our kids will be together in one place.

i love my cousin. i love my family. i love my giant extended family. they mean the world to me.

and, i will find a way to pay it forward.

wordless wednesday: bad decisions

nathan's father and i



 

a different kind of confidence

as a woman, i am faced with all kinds of judgement. i am sure men face some as well, but i really think women have this entirely different world from men. we are judged on so many levels. the size of our bras, the size of our jeans, the color of our roots, the shape of our faces, the way we walk, the way we talk, our posture, the bag we carry, the food we stuff our face with eat, the makeup we try so hard to wear perfectly, the behavior of our children, the clothes our kids wear, the choices we make in parenting, the way we discipline, the cleanliness of our homes... it goes on. and on.

i was reading this blog and got to thinking.

it's been a challenge. for me, it's been a real challenge. i want to be perfect. who doesn't? but, what is perfect? how do we describe to ourselves what perfection is, so that we can attain it? who in the hell decides these things?!

for a long time i thought that perfection would be wearing name brand clothing in size 4, driving a nice car, living in a nice house, a boyfriend husband that was as equally perfect, a kid that was dressed as nice as i was, with amazing manners, and we would live happily ever after.

and then, my world came crashing down on me. everything changed and my life literally stopped spinning for a moment in time.

it's been 16 months now since that moment, and i have learned quite a bit about perfection. about my perfection.

i tried so hard- SO hard- to do things perfectly. i had an unmedicated birth. i breastfed. i cloth diaper. pretty much anything parenting advocates speak about, ive either tried it or continue to try. and for a while, it consumed me. literally, all of my energy went towards being the best parent i can be.

it was exhausting. and it took everything out of me. and it broke me. it broke me hard. and i cried. a lot.

one day(not that long ago) i finally decided to do things the way I wanted to do them. to find my inner confidence that i had somehow lost along the way. how did that happen, anyway? how did i let things get so out of hand? i dont know.

and with that inner mommy confidence i was pleasantly surprised with another kind of confidence. something i didnt even realize i had lost somewhere on the side of the road.

my own self confidence in myself was broken. after having 2 kids, your body does this kind of thing.. where it looks different, and it takes a long time to adjust. women know this. as a single mom, it's hard. its reallllly hard to find the confidence when you have such little time to yourself.

anyway, so here i am now- definitely not a size 4, but OKAY with that. I will likely never be a size 4. i know this now. i will never have the pretty little tummy i used to have. but thats OKAY. ALMOST ALL WOMAN HAVE STRETCHMARKS. do you get that? because i do now. i don't have to have expensive designer clothes because most of the time they are a WASTE of money. but also because i do not have the kind of job that will allow for me to spend on those things. one day, i might, but right now i dont. and thats OKAY. there are more important things to spend my limited income on.

oh, and the whole having a husband/boyfriend thing? thats OKAY because i don't have time to play games, or to go on dates, or to sit by the phone wondering if he will call, or anything like that because all of my free time is devoted to my babies. because they will only be this small ONCE and i don't want to miss it.

so. i am good. i am really good. and i feel GOOD about myself. i have a confidence i never had before. i honestly, truthfully do. and i am pretty proud that i have been able to find it in myself and let go of the judgement of other mothers and women because if they want to judge me they can go kick rocks. THEY are not what is important to me, my kids are; and i have 2 amazing kiddos that depend on me and my happiness to radiate onto them. and i want to show them that CONFIDENCE doesn't mean PERFECTION in the eyes of other people. CONFIDENCE is something that is found WITHIN, and that is PERFECT.

a (not so) silent sunday

Disappear from your home town
Go and find the people that you know
Show them all of your good parts
Beat down when the bad ones start to show

Going with a woman
A pretty girl that you never met
Make sure she knows you love her well
But don't make any other promises

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town 'cause
Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
When you run make sure you run
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere

I once heard the worse thing a man can do is draw a hungry crowd
Tell everyone his name in pride and confidence
But leaving out his doubts
I'm not sure I bought those words
When I was young I knew most everything
These words have never meant as much to anyone
As they now mean to me

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town 'cause
Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
When you run make sure you run
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town'cause
Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town 'cause
Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down

The Avett Brothers - "The Weight of Lies"

i am about to admit something...

i don't know when my obsession started. it definitely wasn't before ava was born, and i dont even think it was until almost a year later when i first tasted the good life and since then, my obsession grew.

i am not proud. i wouldn't suggest anyone in their right mind to go down the road that i've been down. it hasn't been easy. my yearning for more is constantly on my mind and when i see someone else with it, i get this kind of drooly mouth type of feeling.

i am a recovering addict to strollers. there! i said it.

like i said, it didn't start early. i was so excited for my first stroller. i managed to get it as a gift at my babyshower and fell in love. i was so excited for my baby girl and all i could do was think pink!



it wasn't long, maybe around 6 months, that i decided enough was enough. the pink was killing me. so, i sought out my options. this is where it started the slow roll down the hill.

i opted for a very expensive (to me) Quinny Buzz. it was heaven on wheels.



but, that wasn't good enough- and after a while i became bored and needed something new. i sold the beloved Quinny and opted for the Peg Perego Pliko P3.



i think i had this stroller for about 9 months when i decided i didn't care for it much. not that i didn't like it, i guess i just wanted a change. so, i sold it and went big. i got the glorious Phil and Ted's Vibe.



i didn't get it specifically for the second seat, though it would have been convenient for my boyfriend's kid- if we ever needed it. i loved this stroller. it was fantastic besides a few small things, like the bulkiness. well, if you know me you know what comes next. i sold it. and then found out i was pregnant. go me! durp.

anyway, i opted for the Quinny Zapp, since my carseat would conveniently connect to it. i also happened to find a Maclaren Techno XLR at TJ Maxx for a mere $129.00 (SCORE!), and had to buy it.



once nathan was a little bit bigger, and i was not getting any smaller, i decided a jogging stroller was necessary. i picked up this Baby Trend stroller.



it wasn't all that long before i decided that two strollers wasn't going to work for us. i sold those and went back to the Phil and Ted's, but this time i got the dash version.



for the most part, i enjoyed the sport version. though, i have had my eye on the new Explorer now. it has some upgrades that i would really benefit from.

sadly, i had to sell my stroller.

so, for the first time in over 3 years i am strollerless. i cant really describe the feeling much better than "freeing." it's been rainy and cold, so we havent gone out much anyway, but the Ergo carrier has been getting much more use. i think i even like it this way. (gasp!)

yes, i am still addicted. i see a great stroller at the mall or store and i fell tiny bits of envy, but i think i'll manage. at least, until my budget allows for another.

current obsession:


in closing, i'd like to dedicate this post to the ghost of strollers past. rip.

according to ava: in photos

i was randomly going through my camera's memory card when i came across these photos. i must have overlooked them previously. they are obviously taken by my adorable three year old, who is way too good at taking pictures herself. she even does the self portraits ala myspace style.... don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about.

anyway, i thought i would share them because they are just too cute not to. they also kind of show what she adores, and that is quite an interesting perspective!

THE blanky. yes, my child has a security item. this is it. it used to be soo soft and pink. i am surprised its still in one piece by now!


Her shelf. because... her toys belong there? i. don't. know.

oh, and don't mind those curtains. i am an obvious NEWB at all things crafty.  i found out i suck at iron hemming. go figure. i don't really care for them anyway so we will get new ones once we move. one day. hopefully.

Her... lamp? because she likes to turn on and off the light? i don't know.


and, my favorite one yet.. her baby ponies. because she LOVES her ponies. and they deserve a photo, too.


my child astonishes me. she is such a joy! i honestly wish i could share her with everyone because even when she is mean, she is the funniest little thing ever.

so far, so good on that one!

doing it again

when i was pregnant with ava  i decided not to have a tv in my home. i figured it would be a great way to force myself to occupy my time with other things and maybe even save a little money. the first few days were rough, but it turned out to be very liberating and it wasn't long until i became competely happy with my decision. once ava was born, i was able to really spend time with her. i would play on the floor with her, roll around with her, and eat at the table with her. it wasn't until she was almost 2 years old that i broke down and bought a tv.

now, i find myself with the tv on almost constantly, even if only to have that background noise. i feel like nathan is getting jipped a bit on that fun roll around sillyness that ava adored. so, i came to the conclusion that i need to do away with tv once again. i need to just get it out of my house and release any temptation. i dont need it. there is absolutely nothing on my tv that i cannot live without. i mean, i dont even have cable, just a simple antena!

not only that, but i think that ava is a bit tv-obsessed. she is constantly watching a movie, or asking to watch a movie, or talking about watching a movie. it's just gotten a little out of hand.

so, saturday marks the first day my tv will be stored away in the comfort of my father's home. far, far away with no temptation to watch. and, i think i like it this way.



so long, my friend. you may be missed for a short while, but i think this is for the better.

btw, that tv-stand you see- well it's for sale. anyone in the area want it? :)

extended rear-facing

it wasn't until Ava was nearly one when i happened to come across information on the internet about extended rear-facing. for all i knew, babies got turned around in the car once they hit their first birthday. i was totally oblivious to the new recommendations and countless studies done that shows that rear-facing is by far the safest position for anyone to be in a car.

i can understand why some people turn their babies around at one- because they don't know any better. well, i hope that each and every one of my readers at least takes this one piece of advice and chooses to extend rear-facing for as  long as possible.

There are many seats, and new seats coming out all the time that have higher weight limits for rear-facing. the Graco MyRide 65, Evenflo Symphony 65, and Safety First Complete Air all allow rear-facing up until 40 lbs, and the Sunshine Kids Radian XTSL allows up to 45 lbs! That is pretty heavy! I mean, at 3.5 years old, Ava is only about 30 lbs. At this rate, she will rear-face in to her fourth year!  They vary in price, but are well worth the investment for the safety of your child.

When I was doing my research I found a  couple of videos that were very helpful in showing the reasons and impact of rear-facing. This one stood out well for me:



I would also suggest reading these articles. They can definitely explain better than I can.

http://www.cpsafety.com/articles/stayrearfacing.aspx

http://www.fortwayne.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/SE/20071210/NEWS/712100332

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9916868

Quite honestly, now that you have this information it would be silly not to think about how extended rear-facing can benefit your family. Ava and Nathan ride in the Sunshine Kids Radian XTSLs and I absolutely LOVE them. I definitely recommend them for anyone and think that the quality is incomparable.

soccer!

ava had her very first soccer practice sunday. she loved it! i ended up having to stay by her side for most of the hour session, but by the end she was gaining courage and i think in another week or two she will be asking me to stay on the sidelines.  it was quite interesting, since i was carrying nathan the entire time but we managed. they don't really play soccer at this age, but they start with the fundamentals- so they practice hitting the ball with their knees, heads, and feet. they run around and do silly things! i have really been looking forward to these times with ava, so i am excited to see how she progresses and if she ends up really enjoying this or not.

i didnt get to take very good photos because i had nathan in one arm and avas hand in the other a lot of the time, but i did manage some.

a (not so) silent sunday

Ingrid Michaelson - "Breakable"

can't believe i just saw this

a blog that i follow (and ADORE) is hosting a month of giveaways. i don't usually pay much attention to giveaways because- lets face it- i never win.. but this one caught my eye. it is a balance bike from foot cycles.i really wanted to get one for ava (and later, nathan) but wont have the budget this year. i really hope i win!!

 



 

teaching her well, from the start

but i bet people will call her a bandwagon fan when she is older, just because.



 

 

 

 

kicking it into gear

i have found my motivation. here is a bit of an image of what i am working with. i'm not going to post any before photos until there are some after, or at least getting there photos. just imagine me not having lost any real weight since giving birth and you'll have a good idea.



I'll share more later, but for now just know that I am actively working on this mess and will definitely have progress to report in the coming weeks!

oh Christmas tree...

while ava was away with her daddy, nathan and i took some time to get the ol' tree set up and put together. she is finally to the age that i think she will really start to enjoy holidays and have some good memories. i am really excited for Christmas for her this year! she looooves all the decorations and i am just trying to savor these years that Christmas lights are amazing and she oohs and ahhs as we drive. i love it.

holiday photo challenge

i will be the first to admit that i have a lot to learn in the realms of photoediting.

here is my shot at making a cute Christmas-themed photo. enjoy!

the unfortunate part of it all

I wrote an entry a while back that talked a bit about how or why i decided to be a single mom (as if there is any kind of decision making that can even take place on my part, really). i want to update that post because it was written while i was pregnant.

i didn't get a choice. there was no option for me to NOT be a single mom (again). nathan's father and his father's mother wanted me to have an abortion and quite frankly, that just wasn't an option. it wasn't an option because there was NO way i could ever kill my baby simply because it wasn't convenient. sure, i don't care what other people do- and i am by no means a "pro-lifer," but it was not something i could do.

so, i kept my baby. and my baby turned into my son. and i went through my 40 weeks of pregnancy alone. very alone. i mean, i didn't have anyone there for me. i was scared. like, FREAKED. and i cried. a lot. and i hardly slept most nights because of the stress.

and now, here i am a mother to not only an incredible daughter, but also a son. and i wake 3 times a night to feed him, alone. and i stay home every weekend with him, alone. and i watch all of his milestones, alone. and i love him with all my heart. i do not regret the choice i made way life has taken me. i would not take it back. but i am still sad. really sad.

i am sad because my son- my incredible, smart, healthy, son- does not have a father.

sure, i could take him to court and prove to the world that he is a father, again (because he denies it now), but i am not sure i want to do that. because he doesn't DESERVE my son. he is a disgusting, heartless, selfish individual that has never had to take full responsibility for anything and now i think my son is better off without him.

i am sad because my son has a half brother. and i am sad that they will likely not be close because how do you explain to a child that you have a brother but not a father? is that even possible?

i am sad because my son will never know his cousins, or his aunt and uncle- who are good people.

i recently spoke with a licensed counselor who works with kids. we spoke about what the best scenario may be for my son in order to help him be the best boy and man he can be. she said that knowing his biological father is not as important as having good male role models in his life. someone to look up to that is tangible, and someone with a good heart that will show him how to be a good man. she said it could be a relative or friend or even someone from an organization like big brothers/big sisters. i hope i can do that for my son.

i also worry a lot because my daughter has a great father who is very involved. i worry that my son will question why she goes to her dads house and he doesn't. what will i say? how will i handle this? i don't know. i have no idea. but i do hope that i am able to provide him enough love and comfort that he won't be too upset about it.

and i hope one day i can find peace with my son's deadbeat father who wants nothing to do with his son, and right now i can act really well, but i haven't found it. i am still really angry about it. i despise him for being such an imbecile, and i also find myself ashamed. i am ashamed that i ever thought i loved a boy capable of acting this way. really ashamed, actually.

so- there you have it. and now that it's out in the open i hope to get a little bit more rest knowing that there is nothing more that i can do besides be the best mother i can be and love my children, unconditionally.

outtakes

i thought i would share some outtakes to the mini photo shoot i attempted with nathan. obviously, these are too overexposed, but they give an idea as to what to expect on the ol' Christmas card. you all will have to wait until those get sent out and received before i'll show them on the blog. afterall, there has to be some kind of suspense.