a different kind of confidence

as a woman, i am faced with all kinds of judgement. i am sure men face some as well, but i really think women have this entirely different world from men. we are judged on so many levels. the size of our bras, the size of our jeans, the color of our roots, the shape of our faces, the way we walk, the way we talk, our posture, the bag we carry, the food we stuff our face with eat, the makeup we try so hard to wear perfectly, the behavior of our children, the clothes our kids wear, the choices we make in parenting, the way we discipline, the cleanliness of our homes... it goes on. and on.

i was reading this blog and got to thinking.

it's been a challenge. for me, it's been a real challenge. i want to be perfect. who doesn't? but, what is perfect? how do we describe to ourselves what perfection is, so that we can attain it? who in the hell decides these things?!

for a long time i thought that perfection would be wearing name brand clothing in size 4, driving a nice car, living in a nice house, a boyfriend husband that was as equally perfect, a kid that was dressed as nice as i was, with amazing manners, and we would live happily ever after.

and then, my world came crashing down on me. everything changed and my life literally stopped spinning for a moment in time.

it's been 16 months now since that moment, and i have learned quite a bit about perfection. about my perfection.

i tried so hard- SO hard- to do things perfectly. i had an unmedicated birth. i breastfed. i cloth diaper. pretty much anything parenting advocates speak about, ive either tried it or continue to try. and for a while, it consumed me. literally, all of my energy went towards being the best parent i can be.

it was exhausting. and it took everything out of me. and it broke me. it broke me hard. and i cried. a lot.

one day(not that long ago) i finally decided to do things the way I wanted to do them. to find my inner confidence that i had somehow lost along the way. how did that happen, anyway? how did i let things get so out of hand? i dont know.

and with that inner mommy confidence i was pleasantly surprised with another kind of confidence. something i didnt even realize i had lost somewhere on the side of the road.

my own self confidence in myself was broken. after having 2 kids, your body does this kind of thing.. where it looks different, and it takes a long time to adjust. women know this. as a single mom, it's hard. its reallllly hard to find the confidence when you have such little time to yourself.

anyway, so here i am now- definitely not a size 4, but OKAY with that. I will likely never be a size 4. i know this now. i will never have the pretty little tummy i used to have. but thats OKAY. ALMOST ALL WOMAN HAVE STRETCHMARKS. do you get that? because i do now. i don't have to have expensive designer clothes because most of the time they are a WASTE of money. but also because i do not have the kind of job that will allow for me to spend on those things. one day, i might, but right now i dont. and thats OKAY. there are more important things to spend my limited income on.

oh, and the whole having a husband/boyfriend thing? thats OKAY because i don't have time to play games, or to go on dates, or to sit by the phone wondering if he will call, or anything like that because all of my free time is devoted to my babies. because they will only be this small ONCE and i don't want to miss it.

so. i am good. i am really good. and i feel GOOD about myself. i have a confidence i never had before. i honestly, truthfully do. and i am pretty proud that i have been able to find it in myself and let go of the judgement of other mothers and women because if they want to judge me they can go kick rocks. THEY are not what is important to me, my kids are; and i have 2 amazing kiddos that depend on me and my happiness to radiate onto them. and i want to show them that CONFIDENCE doesn't mean PERFECTION in the eyes of other people. CONFIDENCE is something that is found WITHIN, and that is PERFECT.