Why I Chose To Be A Single Mom (again)

This was originally posted on October 26, 2009 on my old blog. I am just reblogging it to clear some air and hopefully answer some people's questions.

When I became a single mother for the first time I promised myself I would never, ever be put in the situation to do it alone again. The painfully long nights of endless feedings were a lot to handle without any help.

A lot of 'single' mothers end up having someone to help them take care of the baby for quick trips to the store and whatnot. Perhaps a mother, or family member. Unlike those lucky women, if that is even considered to be lucky, I did not. My mother lives hundreds of miles away. My dear sister lives thousands of miles away. Almost all of my family is much too far for a quick phone call asking to get a night off.
I really did do it all on my own.

Now today here I am; pregnant again, and on my own.

I loved (and probably still do, deep down) my unborn child's father. We were together a short time, about 6 months. Everything was going great and I really saw a future with him. My daughter loved him and they got along great. He has a son that I cared about and we seemed to get along well.

I was taking birth control pills, and though I was not the type to set alarms and take it at the exact same time everyday, and I may have missed a couple here and there because I stayed the night and didn't bring my things before having to go strait to work again, I did think I was being safe. We took precautions. Not every time, but mostly.

When my period was a few days late I knew that I needed to worry, and notified the potential father. He attempted to calm me down and stated not to worry too much and I should test if it gets much later.

Later that night, I tested. I couldn't wait and I was stressing. It was positive. I sent him the photo of the positive test via MMS, and that was when all of my worst fears became a reality.

Right away he informed me that I needed to terminate the pregnancy and that he was no longer interested in a relationship with me and it's over. Just like that.
I was torn in so many ways. How could the person I care so much about be saying these terrible things? How did this happen? What went wrong?

All of these unanswered questions ate at me for weeks while I debated back and forth at my options.

One thing was for sure, I could not honestly look at my beautiful, healthy, inspiring little girl and then think about killing the little potential being inside of me.

It was one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make thus far in life, but I was going to let nature take its course, and decided that if I was supposed to be a mom to another precious being, than that is what will happen.

And here we are today, I am scared. Really scared. I have no idea what is going to happen down the road. My unborn baby's father has not spoken to me and I am fairly certain he wishes this whole thing would just go away. I don't expect him to come around later, and to be quite honest, I don't know if I would give him the opportunity.

All I know is, I have a healthy baby growing inside of me and I will do whatever it takes to make sure they know just how much I love them and just how much they are wanted in the world, even if some people are too blind to see that.