the unfortunate part of it all

I wrote an entry a while back that talked a bit about how or why i decided to be a single mom (as if there is any kind of decision making that can even take place on my part, really). i want to update that post because it was written while i was pregnant.

i didn't get a choice. there was no option for me to NOT be a single mom (again). nathan's father and his father's mother wanted me to have an abortion and quite frankly, that just wasn't an option. it wasn't an option because there was NO way i could ever kill my baby simply because it wasn't convenient. sure, i don't care what other people do- and i am by no means a "pro-lifer," but it was not something i could do.

so, i kept my baby. and my baby turned into my son. and i went through my 40 weeks of pregnancy alone. very alone. i mean, i didn't have anyone there for me. i was scared. like, FREAKED. and i cried. a lot. and i hardly slept most nights because of the stress.

and now, here i am a mother to not only an incredible daughter, but also a son. and i wake 3 times a night to feed him, alone. and i stay home every weekend with him, alone. and i watch all of his milestones, alone. and i love him with all my heart. i do not regret the choice i made way life has taken me. i would not take it back. but i am still sad. really sad.

i am sad because my son- my incredible, smart, healthy, son- does not have a father.

sure, i could take him to court and prove to the world that he is a father, again (because he denies it now), but i am not sure i want to do that. because he doesn't DESERVE my son. he is a disgusting, heartless, selfish individual that has never had to take full responsibility for anything and now i think my son is better off without him.

i am sad because my son has a half brother. and i am sad that they will likely not be close because how do you explain to a child that you have a brother but not a father? is that even possible?

i am sad because my son will never know his cousins, or his aunt and uncle- who are good people.

i recently spoke with a licensed counselor who works with kids. we spoke about what the best scenario may be for my son in order to help him be the best boy and man he can be. she said that knowing his biological father is not as important as having good male role models in his life. someone to look up to that is tangible, and someone with a good heart that will show him how to be a good man. she said it could be a relative or friend or even someone from an organization like big brothers/big sisters. i hope i can do that for my son.

i also worry a lot because my daughter has a great father who is very involved. i worry that my son will question why she goes to her dads house and he doesn't. what will i say? how will i handle this? i don't know. i have no idea. but i do hope that i am able to provide him enough love and comfort that he won't be too upset about it.

and i hope one day i can find peace with my son's deadbeat father who wants nothing to do with his son, and right now i can act really well, but i haven't found it. i am still really angry about it. i despise him for being such an imbecile, and i also find myself ashamed. i am ashamed that i ever thought i loved a boy capable of acting this way. really ashamed, actually.

so- there you have it. and now that it's out in the open i hope to get a little bit more rest knowing that there is nothing more that i can do besides be the best mother i can be and love my children, unconditionally.