ow.

I have really gone back and forth about the way my life has turned out thus far. The whole being single with two children is not something I had ever imagined I would be doing. I always dreamed of an outrageously handsome husband, nice cozy home with a big green yard, a dog (or two), and a stable career before procreating.

Obviously, that didn't happen. I was really stupid. Really, I was. I think I am smart enough to realize that. I had an incredibly dramatic upbringing with a lot of textbook crazy circumstances and began down a path that is all to often like our pasts. We learn by experience and my experience was nothing short of chaotic. I know this. If I was religious, I'd probably blame God because He is, after all, the almighty and in charge of things and gave me the family that I have, the experiences we've gone through, and the people we've encountered along the way. But, I am not and therefore I have no one to blame but myself.  I blame myself because I wasn't a strong enough person to realize the decisions I was making were not going to take me to where I wanted to go. I allowed people to take advantage of my low self-esteem and I didn't have the tools to do anything about it.

I have a lot of fear. I am scared to death that my children will follow my footsteps as I followed in my own mother's and she followed in whatever footsteps she had to follow growing up without her father and a mother that worked very hard. I am very careful to be aware of the image I am shadowing onto Ava. I am very conscious of what I say and do so that she doesn't see an insecure mother who may or may not have body image issues and sometimes feels like the world is one step away from falling down on her. At least, I hope she can't quite see through the wall that I have been building since she was born that casts off an image of confidence, courage, and love. I only hope.

My son doesn't have a father. I feel like a failure. I don't know what it is like to not have a father and I don't want to know. He needs a father; someone to show him how to hit a baseball because I surely can't. Someone to pat him on the back when he gets his first kiss so that I can be the worrier and tell him all about how important love is. Someone he can go to with his problems when Mom just isn't the one. But, he has no one. Yes, he is young but he will grow quickly and I am not prepared for the time when I will need to find my inner father figure and be that person to him. I am not sure I will know how.

I didn't intend to get so lost in my words tonight, I just wanted to share that I am officially pregnancy free for the next 5 years (thank you Mirena). I really debated asking about just getting myself tied up and closing down the factory, but my midwife wasn't interested in hearing it. Something about being single and 'young' didn't fly well. I think it would be the responsible thing to do, no? Nonetheless, an IUD will suffice.

I guess I just have a lot of things on my mind tonight. Thank you vicodin.