Not surprisingly, I ended up using that formula. Being a single mother with little to no help, I was tired and in pain and I gave up. I gave up at 2 weeks and I was defeated. I felt like a failure. I was relieved. I felt a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and at the same time I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. I don't have anything else to compare the feelings to because I have never felt such opposite feelings at the same time for the same reason.
Looking back, I don't feel guilty anymore. I did what I could with what I had and I did the best with what information was given to me. I can't say I regret it, but if I could go back, I totally would.
Once I became pregnant with my son I didn't have to think about what I would do. It was instinctive. I was not going to fail. I was not going to give myself the option. I made sure not to have any formula in my home in preparation for his arrival. I would not need it because my milk would be just fine for him. I figured, if I don't have an option, I won't be able to even think about giving up.
I was wrong. One bad latch early on and my nipple was cracked and sore and hurt so badly each time he latched on. So much so that my toes would curl up and my face would grimace in such a way that anyone around could see my discomfort. My back hurt. I hadn't found a comfortable way to sit so that my large chest would connect with his lips in such a way that he could latch correctly. He would nurse for 45 minutes at a time and I became tired. I was tired and weary and then my family flew home and I was alone. Except, I wasn't alone. i had my (almost) 3-year-old that wanted her momma back. She seemed to need something every time I sat to nurse her brother. I had to learn how to say no and how to deal with that guilt. A whole new guilt that I didn't quite expect to feel. I shed tears. I cried night after night and day after day. Some call it the baby blues, I call it realization. This was my new life.
I thought about giving up. When I felt so low that I wanted to drive to the store and pick up a can of formula I would call a friend or family member. They were quick to remind me why I was going through this pain and this guilt. I would somehow look deep inside of myself and find that resolve to go on. And I did.
I am so proud of myself that I am still- at three months- exclusively breastfeeding my son. I am proud because I know that it is what is best for him. I am happy because it's so easy. I love that I don't have to worry about bringing formula and bottles and water around everywhere we go (because we are always on the go). Sure, I really could do without pumping. I really hate that part. But, I am so content. I am content because I know that I am over the pain and the guilt. Ava understands now that I cannot help her when I am feeding her brother. I think she has even realized that she can get away with some things that she wouldn't get away with if I wasn't preoccupied, little stinker.
I think about the future and I don't know what to expect. I tell myself that I am going to breastfeed for as long as possible. I don't want to have to feed my son formula at all. But I also know that it's going to be hard. I have to go to school full-time, and I just started a new job that will have me working more, as well. I am nervous. I am unsure. But I was nervous and unsure in the beginning of this journey and look at where we are now!
I am so grateful. I am grateful that I have such an understanding, kind, patient, and loving daughter that I just know will forgive me for not being able to give her the same milk that her brother is getting. I am grateful that I live in a city that is so supportive of breastfeeding mothers and I don't feel ashamed of nursing in public. I am grateful that my country has laws that allow breastfeeding mothers the time to pump when they cannot be with their children, and I work in a workplace that is so understanding of this. I am grateful that I am able to give my son the nourishment that he is intended to receive.
No comments:
Post a Comment